Benefits of Growing Older
 | In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. |
| It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. |
| Kidnappers are not very interested in you. |
| No one expects you to run into a burning building. |
| People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" |
| People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. |
| There's nothing left to learn the hard way. |
| Things you buy now won't wear out. |
| You buy a compass for the dash of your car. |
| You can eat dinner at 4:00 |
| You can live without sex but not without glasses. |
| You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. |
| You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. |
| You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. |
| You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. |
| You get into a heated argument about pension plans. |
| You got cable for the weather channel. |
| You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. |
| You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. |
| You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. |
| You send money to PBS. |
| You sing along with the elevator music. |
| You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. |
| Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. |
| Your back goes out more than you do. |
| Your ears are hairier than your head. |
| Your eyes won't get much worse. |
| Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. |
| Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. |
| Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. |
| Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. |
| And the Best Benefit.... |
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